Sickness

I've been really bad about not posting pictures lately. I seem to always forget my camera.
Right now, as I type, there is a sick little boy trying to sleep on the couch, with a bowl close by his side. On our way home Friday night my son said from the back seat "I think I'm going to be sick" (I knew he wasn't joking) I looked at my husband and he just shook his head. I turned to my son and said "Do you think you can wait til we get home?" and his response was "Yes, mommy, I'll wait" (in such a sweet innocent voice I might add) Not FIVE seconds later he said "We need to pull over", in the most sickly voice he could muster to convey the urgency of the moment! We pulled over fast, but not fast enough (my husband was driving). He threw up everywhere, but was fine after that. He slept through the night and woke up happy. But after having a small sip of water he lost it again and again and again. No church for us on Sunday because he wouldn't have been 24 hours puke free. Now I know why they have that rule! Right at the 24 hour mark he started throwing up again!
I don't know how much you know about depression/anxiety but someone that has a mind like mine, full of what-if's and this could... Well, I'm a little on edge. Not having an attack so far but my mind is racing. So, I think I'll go do some more Beth Moore Bible Study and see if that can calm me down.

Had Another Good Day

I'm beginning to take my days as they come and not 'worry' about what is to come. Bills may not get paid (they do, eventually) but I can't worry about that. I have to get sane again. I may be living at my in-laws or my Grandma's when all is said and done, but hey, I'll have my family. J is awesome, loving, supportive, and completely busy all the time. A fishing extravaganza is coming soon for him and I'm so thrilled that he will get sometime to himself. He truly deserves it.
Today was a good day. I forgot to take my prozac this morning and was able to take a nap for a bit today. I haven't slept in weeks!!!! I've been shaky, so shaky, and I feel like I've got pop rocks jumping around in me. At any moment I'm going to take off on a marathon. But then that would reap havoc on my figure (think about.... now laugh with me. Ha Ha) So, now I'm wondering if prozac is the best for me. The last time I tried stopping it I had several meltdowns.
I think today was great because it started with a trip to Hobby Lobby, I love looking in there, even if I can't buy anything. Then had a play date at a local neighborhood park with Mops Moms and their kiddos. After I picked up B-man and got the great news that he had all Happy Faces. What are Happy Faces? That is how B-man's school rates behavior in each section of his day Classroom Behavior, Lunchroom Behavior, Recess Behavior, and Nap time Behavior. So we headed to Learning Oasis (had a gift certificate) then we got ice cream because B-man was also able to finish all his work without missing more than two. He missed one because he colored his "PURPLE" page RED! I think that was just a boy thing.
Hope you had a great day as well!

Not Me Monday...A little early

I've been trying to spend more and more time with my children as individuals. So, after playing football with my son, he wanted to play "WEEEE"! While swinging him back from the couch I noticed the tied knot of his Khaki shorts. "Hmmm? That looks like Little M's capri pants!" So YES or NOT ME! I handed B-man his shorts this afternoon before going to the Grandparents Home (My kids have the best BEST grandparents and great grandparent) I handed my son a pair of 18 month capri pants of this sister's. And they FIT!!!! Barely snug on him and a little big on her! Oh my heavens. SO glad I didn't send him to school like that or church even!

4 am

No one should ever have to see this time of night/morning! I'm awake and obviously can't sleep. So much fun. I'm cuddling with my 5 year old tonight and I can't believe how much room a 32 lb boy can take up. Well, I better get back to bed. I need to at least attempt to sleep and the 5 year old knows when I'm awake.

What I don't want my kids to know.

I don't want my kids to know that I don't know how we are going to pay the house payment. I don't want them to know that we can't make some bills because their mother has to see a crazy doctor and take crazy medication. It's expensive being this crazy. I'm on 90mg of anti-depressant a day. All in an effort to cope with normal daily activity. J and I have a pact not to talk about finances around our children. We don't want them to know we are struggling. I want their lives to be uncomplicated. I want them to know how much they are loved and I want their bellies to be full. I should be in a puddle on the floor. A hyper-ventilating mess. But instead I'm typing this because well, with 90mg of anti-depressant... I have no emotion left. I feel lost and scared but I can't show it outwardly. I am thankful for the struggle because that means I have a life filled with blessings. I don't want my kids to ever know this struggle. I don't want them to know what it is like to spend over two hundred a month for a psychologist. We don't spend frivolously. We don't have cable, I don't go on expensive play dates, I don't eat out at all. The last McDonald's I had was when I was with my Grandma and she paid. My freezer is filled with .88 Banquet meals. And I have no idea how we can make a house payment. How we can keep the electricity on and how I will put gas in the car. I know we will survive. But I don't know how it will happen. I know God is in control and He loves us and knows our struggles. He tells us not to be anxious and not to worry where the next meal will come from. He also knows that we aren't in this situation because we blew money we didn't have. We haven't blown money at all. It's just expensive being crazy.

Advice Costs Less

Worth Much More
This article I found hanging on my dad and step-mom's refridgerator! My step-mom has a way of always finding great things, be it; books, movies, clothes, funiture!
I can only take credit for enjoying this article and paraphrasing, it was written by Sharon Randall in the Southwest Times Record.

"Tips for How to Stay Married"
1. Listen to each other. Seek first to understand before trying to be understood. When you are wrong, say you are sorry. When you are right... SHUT UP!
2. Don't tie a half-hitch knot. Plan to stay married forever.
3. Never go to sleep angry. Keep talking until you get over it or forget why you were mad.
4. Laugh together. If you can laugh at yourself, it'll be easy.
5. Never embarrass, criticize or correct on another in public; try not to do it in private, either.
6. Don't expect perfection. It doesn't exist. If it did, it would bore you spitless.
7. Remember one of life's ironies: We are least lovable when we need love most.
8. On days when you don't like each other, try to remember that you love each other. Pray for the 'good' days to come again, then act as if they already have.
9. Tell the truth, only the truth, and always with great kindness.
10. Kiss for at least ten seconds everyday without fail; do it all at once or spread it out.
11. Examine your relationship often. Know it's vulnerabilities. Keep it moving in the direction you both want to go.
12. Be content with what you have materially, honest about where you are emotionally and never stop growing spiritually.
13. To love someone is to wish them the best; always wish each other nothing but the very best.
14. Never yell unless the house is on fire. Speak softly when you argue. Whisper when you fight. Keep it fair and show some class. Hurtful words can be forgiven, but they can never be taken back.
15. Be best friends, as well as lovers. In a blackout, share the flashlight. Then turn it off and make your own electricity.
16. Show by your actions as well as your words that the person you married comes first in your life. Let nothing and no one come between you.
17. Remember that your in love. Kiss in elevators. Hold hands in movies. Lock eyes in a crowded room. Say "your beautiful, and I love you." Then say it again.
18. Never miss a birthday or anniversary or a moment to make a memory. Memories may not seem important now, but one day you will treasure them.
19. Take care of business. Pay your bills. Mow the grass. And call your mother.
20. Open your home and your hearts to angels unaware. Teach Sunday School. Coach Little League. Feed the homeless. Talk to strangers. Make something beautiful of your life together.

Blast from the Past

Today I went to a Ladies Breakfast at my church with the title "Leaving a Legacy". It was all about what we will leave behind and partly about writing out your life story including the good, the bad, and the ugly for our children and their children. I'm excited to get started on it. I hope as I delve into my past I will come to peace with somethings and be able to reset my life on forward.
Do you remember Popples? They are an 80's plush toy. I had this purple one and I still have it (not sure where though) Anyway, my house burned down to the ground in 1987, I was six years old, in the first grade, and class pictures were the next day (not good seeing as how my entire wardrobe burned in the fire). I had been with my dad for a visit and it was time for him to take me home to my mom. I remember seeing all these huge fire hoses all over my street and my eyes just kind of followed the winding hose to the nozzle with a powerful stream of water aimed directly at my house (did I mention it was around Christmas, so all my presents burned too). Time stood still and all I could think of is "MARY ANN (my popples' name) IS IN MY ROOM, SOMEONE SAVE MARY ANN!!!!!" My dad, my hero, ran into to burning house and found my Mary Ann, my soft purple and pink Popples. This is the reason I still have Mary Ann. She was my whole world and I didn't care one bit that she smelled as if she just came from a smoke stack. A memory...of long ago...yet I can still see the fire, smell the smoke, and feel the heat. I will never know what it was like for my dad to run into a burning house. But I do know, now, what that love is like, because, I would do the same. I hope and pray that I can pass that feeling onto my own two children.

Random Thoughts

*Wondering who is going to win Big Brother? Really hoping Lane wins and Enzo goes home.

*Thinking there has to be an easier way to take my son to school in a torrential down pour with a 20 month baby in the car.

*Why is it that my husband gets called to an emergency or fire right as we sit down to dinner.

*Why is it that every time I think about work, I just want to throw up?

*Thankful for my family and husband.

*Why does my daughter continuously climb on chairs and stoves?

*90 mg of anti-depressants a day is really helping, helping in a way that I can get through daily activities with out having a panic attack, but not in the way that I could go back to work, I would pass out if I were forced that way.

*Going to be starting a Beth Moore Study next week, I'm so so SO excited about it too!

Flutter Flower

Here is a flower to make your day! Here it is raining and dreary. But inside we are all flowers and sunshine! Ok, maybe just flowers.

Flowers

I've been feeling a little crafty! So, I'm back to making bows and clips. I'm really strange like that. I can't make myself do something creative or crafty if I'm not in the mood. My project won't turn out worth a flip.

It's nice to be feeling again. I'm learning to focus on the positive, to think positive and even though I don't know how bills will get paid at times, I am just focusing on today. "Today I'm a stay-at-home-mom, today I'm a housewife, today I am..."

I adore my husband. I adore my daughters soft brown curls. I adore the majestic spirit my son has. I'm blessed and I'm thankful and even though it takes a cocktail of 90mg per day to help me feel this way, I still have hope that I will be able to wean off of the meds and enjoy everyday God gives me!

Positve Glimmer

The only way I can describe depression/anxiety is like this; deep dark in a black cave, completely closed off from the world, no hope of rescue, no sunshine to be seen again. It reminds me of The Count of Monticristo's time in prison. Last Sunday Evening after church I felt like there was a glimmer of hope. A beacon of light in the far distance, still far away, but I can see it, now I've just got to learn to walk the path to it, picture the path being a tightrope. I felt like God was whispering to me "Stop trying to pinpoint what you feel like is wrong, and learn to live a new life, reborn and repurposed" I told J about how I was feeling. I can't begin to express my gratitude that I vowed to love, honor, and cherish nearly 8 years ago. He could laugh or say 'suck it up' but instead he loves and supports me. Just as my parents and his parents have done.
Recently I've been listening to 'The Secret' and I'm learning from this book, a way for me to reconfigure my thinking. I don't agree with all of it, for instance, 'ask and you shall receive' has been taken out of context. But the Law of Attraction does make since. You know the old saying "Misery loves company" well, happy people rub off just as much as a grumpy person can. So, time to rebuild my functioning for something positive. Revelation of my purpose will be revealed in His timing. For now, my goal is to think positive thoughts.