Saturday, August 21, 2010

Do they Know?

Yesterday, I went out for a bit on my own. I was to meet a friend who made a gift for B-man's best friends birthday party. As I was about to leave I could feel that all to familiar feeling in my chest, the burning in my arms, and then the thinking while I breathe, so that I don't breathe to fast. Since I was going to meet a friend I didn't want to fall over the edge so I took my 'emergency' medicine. The medicine I take in addition to the daily dose of Prozac when I can feel an anxiety episode coming on. I was driving in downtown Fort Smith, the party scene is just getting started and I noticed a new sign at the top of a tall building. The sign was there to let others know what company is not located there. I don't even remember what it said, I just remember the official business feel it had to it. Then my mind starts to race (I know every bit of this is irrational) and I'm thinking, "I should be at work in one of those buildings, bringing in some type of income, Little M in daycare" and then the crying starts, the rapid breathing gets a little worse and J calls. Funny how that happens. He asks me to get him a black belt while I'm out and the moment he speaks to me he knows. He says "Take a deep breath, enjoy sometime on your own and with your friend, Little M is sleeping, she is just fine, B-man and I are playing, everything is okay" He's so sweet. Most men would have run by now. Mine sends me a text "Remember I love you and we will get through this together". Since I had taken my med I was starting to calm down. I got to JCPenney and as I walked through the store I couldn't help but think "No one knows, she has no idea. Can they see my hands quivering? Would anybody ever guess I just took a Zanex?" "Would anyone guess that ME, an overweight mother of two, just took a zanex in hopes of feeling normal again?","Where is my normal? What is my normal? I can't take this any longer? I wish I could just pass out and someone wake me up when they found a cure." All so irrational, but thoughts that race all the time. Just coming off of a good day and the hammer falls again, like I know it will, like it always does. More in the day and the life of this 'illness'. I know longer feel bad for taking medication to feel happy, even though the happy is sparse, at least it comes. I can't feel bad for trying to get my kids mother back, the one who didn't cry all the time. I don't feel bad for trying to give my husband back his wife, the one who can clean and laugh instead of being curled up on the couch hoping not of fall apart. I won't feel bad for trying to give myself back to me.

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