Wednesday, August 18, 2010


Me! Wife of nearly eight years to the most wonderful man! Mother of one fun, energetic, inquisitive little boy and of one fun-loving, melt-your-heart, beautiful daughter. Daughter of Christ. From a divorced family with one incredible step-mom. Sister to a pain in the tush 16 year old brother. Blessed to marry into a stable mother and father-in-law who bless my life with their unconditional love.
What do I have? Well, like diabetes or high blood pressure; I have an 'illness' known as anxiety and depression. (The analogy is from my doctor) An 'illness' that I have to learn to deal with. (And I can't believe I'm writing about it here for complete strangers to read but my doctor says the more I try to hide it, the worse it will get.)
When did this come up? Well, if you ask those I know, they might say "I knew she was crazy a long time ago." I personally have known from an early age that I worried more than any other kids. It has popped up from time to time in my life, but I have mostly been able to suppress it. My last severe 'pop-up' I got a tattoo. I've had PDD after my second child but I was able to get past it without medication. Back in May I had a surgery and a week after that, this 'illness' came up with a vengeance. Since then, I've had 'call 911!' anxiety attacks. Thankfully, my husband is an EMT so, he was able to take care of me until it 'passed' into a less severe situation.
Where does it happen? Anywhere, anytime. It happens mostly due to a trigger of some sort. But I never know what the trigger is or when it will happen. I can pinpoint some triggers but a new one pops up all the time. Like driving, a movie, sound of the air-conditioner coming on, the thought of my daughter being in daycare (that one just pushes me over the edge)
So, how will this be treated? Well, I'm told it will never completely disappear, I will have to learn to control it with therapy, medication, and 'self-talk'.

This 'illness' makes me mad! Financially, I need to bring in some income, but for now am not capable of work. It's infuriating because this is so minuscule compared to things others have been through! I know strong women, who lose family members to cancer or some other tragedy, and they are stronger than me.
Here is what I have learned! 4 months ago I would have said what I'm going through now is DUMB and someone just needs to put her big girl panties on! Now, I know that according to my doctor I almost waited to long to treat this and nearly ended up hospitalized. That still may happen. I've done nothing to create this, it's just a part of who I am. My Savior will only give me what I can handle and He answers prayers. This 'illness' will work for His Glory one way or another. So, even though most days I can barely get out of bed, sadness overwhelms me, worthlessness consumes almost every thought, I will still............get out of for my kids...make and keep my husband and my Lord...and keep on going.


  1. Hi Raina,

    I just wanted to respond because it can be scary when you open yourself up and no one comments. I have been following your blog for a little while and I'm glad you're getting the help you need. I too, take medication for depression and the way I look at is - I would never have denied my son any treatment that could have helped him - why would I deny myself? I read a quote from Winston Churchill this morning - "If you're going through hell, keep going" Sometimes, that's all you can do. Emily

  2. Be encouraged. There are a lot of people who love you and no one thinks less of you because of your struggles. I'm sure you remember me sharing in MOPS last year about my struggle with anger and depression. As much as I would like to say it's gone, it's not completely. Whenever I do confess or spill my guts to another mom, I usually get a response like "You are too hard on yourself". Just the fact that you are determined to carry on no matter what says a lot. Press on.