Sickness

I've been really bad about not posting pictures lately. I seem to always forget my camera.
Right now, as I type, there is a sick little boy trying to sleep on the couch, with a bowl close by his side. On our way home Friday night my son said from the back seat "I think I'm going to be sick" (I knew he wasn't joking) I looked at my husband and he just shook his head. I turned to my son and said "Do you think you can wait til we get home?" and his response was "Yes, mommy, I'll wait" (in such a sweet innocent voice I might add) Not FIVE seconds later he said "We need to pull over", in the most sickly voice he could muster to convey the urgency of the moment! We pulled over fast, but not fast enough (my husband was driving). He threw up everywhere, but was fine after that. He slept through the night and woke up happy. But after having a small sip of water he lost it again and again and again. No church for us on Sunday because he wouldn't have been 24 hours puke free. Now I know why they have that rule! Right at the 24 hour mark he started throwing up again!
I don't know how much you know about depression/anxiety but someone that has a mind like mine, full of what-if's and this could... Well, I'm a little on edge. Not having an attack so far but my mind is racing. So, I think I'll go do some more Beth Moore Bible Study and see if that can calm me down.

More Good

Let me preface this by saying how much I am blessed. I'm fully aware that there are struggles and losses far greater than mine. I'm not complaining through this 'illness', I'm just trying to work out my feelings and either get back to normal or find a new normal that I can live with.

Yesterday I had more good than bad. For me that is huge! I didn't have to take my 'emergency' medication at all yesterday. My day started with waking my little ones and having a breakfast and devotional with my son. Little M is fighting this new special time between B-man and myself. She has now decided that she will just wake everyone up before it's time. That's what I get for letting her sleep those first few days, because you know she doesn't like to miss a thing! Then I called my dad to check on my step-mom, had an impromptu breakfast and perused the isles of our new Savers before heading to library time with my wee little girl. She laughed and did a little dance. She met another little girl named Miranda that is about her age and we got to see little Owen from church with his Grandma. I love the ladies at the library. They are two of the kindest women I know. And they have an incredible memory. The first thing Ms. Judy asked was "Where is B-man?" (well, she used his real name:) And we haven't seen them in a few months due to my 'working' with a friend on Thursday mornings. But, since I'm too crazy for that now....I'm taking Little M for story time. My Psychologist Dr. F gave me some homework for the week. It was "Make and keep plans with friends" and "Focus on one day at a time. Today I am a stay-at-home-mom and a house wife. Don't focus on what I'm NOT accomplishing" The first one I did. But the second one is really hard. However, I had a surprise nap yesterday! My mind shut off while my daughter was resting and I drifted off to sleepy land. How wonderful. Then I picked my son up from Kindergarten, we came home, did homework, read books, laughed, watched a movie together and had dinner. B-man and I cuddled on the floor while Little M used us both as jungle gyms. I kissed their soft cheeks and thanked Jesus for a good day.
Meanwhile, Little M has decided she loves her baby dolls. We are now taking them in the car and she walks around with them all the time, stopping to kiss and hug them ever couple of steps. It's so sweet and different from the Hot Wheel Car Crashes I'm used too.

Who?What?When?Where?How?

Who?
Me! Wife of nearly eight years to the most wonderful man! Mother of one fun, energetic, inquisitive little boy and of one fun-loving, melt-your-heart, beautiful daughter. Daughter of Christ. From a divorced family with one incredible step-mom. Sister to a pain in the tush 16 year old brother. Blessed to marry into a stable mother and father-in-law who bless my life with their unconditional love.
What?
What do I have? Well, like diabetes or high blood pressure; I have an 'illness' known as anxiety and depression. (The analogy is from my doctor) An 'illness' that I have to learn to deal with. (And I can't believe I'm writing about it here for complete strangers to read but my doctor says the more I try to hide it, the worse it will get.)
When?
When did this come up? Well, if you ask those I know, they might say "I knew she was crazy a long time ago." I personally have known from an early age that I worried more than any other kids. It has popped up from time to time in my life, but I have mostly been able to suppress it. My last severe 'pop-up' I got a tattoo. I've had PDD after my second child but I was able to get past it without medication. Back in May I had a surgery and a week after that, this 'illness' came up with a vengeance. Since then, I've had 'call 911!' anxiety attacks. Thankfully, my husband is an EMT so, he was able to take care of me until it 'passed' into a less severe situation.
Where?
Where does it happen? Anywhere, anytime. It happens mostly due to a trigger of some sort. But I never know what the trigger is or when it will happen. I can pinpoint some triggers but a new one pops up all the time. Like driving, a movie, sound of the air-conditioner coming on, the thought of my daughter being in daycare (that one just pushes me over the edge)
How?
So, how will this be treated? Well, I'm told it will never completely disappear, I will have to learn to control it with therapy, medication, and 'self-talk'.

This 'illness' makes me mad! Financially, I need to bring in some income, but for now am not capable of work. It's infuriating because this is so minuscule compared to things others have been through! I know strong women, who lose family members to cancer or some other tragedy, and they are stronger than me.
Here is what I have learned! 4 months ago I would have said what I'm going through now is DUMB and someone just needs to put her big girl panties on! Now, I know that according to my doctor I almost waited to long to treat this and nearly ended up hospitalized. That still may happen. I've done nothing to create this, it's just a part of who I am. My Savior will only give me what I can handle and He answers prayers. This 'illness' will work for His Glory one way or another. So, even though most days I can barely get out of bed, sadness overwhelms me, worthlessness consumes almost every thought, I will still............get out of bed...smile for my kids...make and keep plans...love my husband and family...love my Lord...and keep on going.