More Good

Let me preface this by saying how much I am blessed. I'm fully aware that there are struggles and losses far greater than mine. I'm not complaining through this 'illness', I'm just trying to work out my feelings and either get back to normal or find a new normal that I can live with.

Yesterday I had more good than bad. For me that is huge! I didn't have to take my 'emergency' medication at all yesterday. My day started with waking my little ones and having a breakfast and devotional with my son. Little M is fighting this new special time between B-man and myself. She has now decided that she will just wake everyone up before it's time. That's what I get for letting her sleep those first few days, because you know she doesn't like to miss a thing! Then I called my dad to check on my step-mom, had an impromptu breakfast and perused the isles of our new Savers before heading to library time with my wee little girl. She laughed and did a little dance. She met another little girl named Miranda that is about her age and we got to see little Owen from church with his Grandma. I love the ladies at the library. They are two of the kindest women I know. And they have an incredible memory. The first thing Ms. Judy asked was "Where is B-man?" (well, she used his real name:) And we haven't seen them in a few months due to my 'working' with a friend on Thursday mornings. But, since I'm too crazy for that now....I'm taking Little M for story time. My Psychologist Dr. F gave me some homework for the week. It was "Make and keep plans with friends" and "Focus on one day at a time. Today I am a stay-at-home-mom and a house wife. Don't focus on what I'm NOT accomplishing" The first one I did. But the second one is really hard. However, I had a surprise nap yesterday! My mind shut off while my daughter was resting and I drifted off to sleepy land. How wonderful. Then I picked my son up from Kindergarten, we came home, did homework, read books, laughed, watched a movie together and had dinner. B-man and I cuddled on the floor while Little M used us both as jungle gyms. I kissed their soft cheeks and thanked Jesus for a good day.
Meanwhile, Little M has decided she loves her baby dolls. We are now taking them in the car and she walks around with them all the time, stopping to kiss and hug them ever couple of steps. It's so sweet and different from the Hot Wheel Car Crashes I'm used too.

Who?What?When?Where?How?

Who?
Me! Wife of nearly eight years to the most wonderful man! Mother of one fun, energetic, inquisitive little boy and of one fun-loving, melt-your-heart, beautiful daughter. Daughter of Christ. From a divorced family with one incredible step-mom. Sister to a pain in the tush 16 year old brother. Blessed to marry into a stable mother and father-in-law who bless my life with their unconditional love.
What?
What do I have? Well, like diabetes or high blood pressure; I have an 'illness' known as anxiety and depression. (The analogy is from my doctor) An 'illness' that I have to learn to deal with. (And I can't believe I'm writing about it here for complete strangers to read but my doctor says the more I try to hide it, the worse it will get.)
When?
When did this come up? Well, if you ask those I know, they might say "I knew she was crazy a long time ago." I personally have known from an early age that I worried more than any other kids. It has popped up from time to time in my life, but I have mostly been able to suppress it. My last severe 'pop-up' I got a tattoo. I've had PDD after my second child but I was able to get past it without medication. Back in May I had a surgery and a week after that, this 'illness' came up with a vengeance. Since then, I've had 'call 911!' anxiety attacks. Thankfully, my husband is an EMT so, he was able to take care of me until it 'passed' into a less severe situation.
Where?
Where does it happen? Anywhere, anytime. It happens mostly due to a trigger of some sort. But I never know what the trigger is or when it will happen. I can pinpoint some triggers but a new one pops up all the time. Like driving, a movie, sound of the air-conditioner coming on, the thought of my daughter being in daycare (that one just pushes me over the edge)
How?
So, how will this be treated? Well, I'm told it will never completely disappear, I will have to learn to control it with therapy, medication, and 'self-talk'.

This 'illness' makes me mad! Financially, I need to bring in some income, but for now am not capable of work. It's infuriating because this is so minuscule compared to things others have been through! I know strong women, who lose family members to cancer or some other tragedy, and they are stronger than me.
Here is what I have learned! 4 months ago I would have said what I'm going through now is DUMB and someone just needs to put her big girl panties on! Now, I know that according to my doctor I almost waited to long to treat this and nearly ended up hospitalized. That still may happen. I've done nothing to create this, it's just a part of who I am. My Savior will only give me what I can handle and He answers prayers. This 'illness' will work for His Glory one way or another. So, even though most days I can barely get out of bed, sadness overwhelms me, worthlessness consumes almost every thought, I will still............get out of bed...smile for my kids...make and keep plans...love my husband and family...love my Lord...and keep on going.

The First Day

I have had some very difficult days in the past two weeks. At one point I was ready to check myself into the hospital. But I didn't want to miss my son's first day of kindergarten or be away from either kid for very long. So, I suffered, and finally made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She says I'm not crazy! Not yet anyway. But, I'm right on the edge of losing all functionability. Seriously, I keep thinking it can't get worse and then it does. I'm not going out a lot because I never know when an 'episode' will occur. I had three in one day! After just one I'm zapped! Three was nearly unbearable. That same day (after the episodes had come and gone) I found out that a former collegue's precious daughter was in the fight of her life. A fight that was won for heaven. Leightyn went to be with Jesus this past Saturday. Her family needs prayers, she is a very loved little girl that will be missed by everyone who ever set eyes on her. I'm heart broken for them. Our children are the same age, both getting ready for kindergarten. So, today, as I was taking my son to his first day of school, I couldn't help but think about Leightyn. Please pray for them.
Later the same day my dad ended up in the hospital for a possible heart attack. He was so sick no visitors were allowed. My step mother has taken wonderful care of him. He had two stents (sp?) put in because of 90 percent blockage, and the lower right portion of his heart wasn't even beating. So scary! I'm so thankful he is okay.
So, I'm taking it one minute at a time. I've learned that this is not situational, it is chemical. I can be okay when I should be super sad and scared AND super sad and scared when every thing else is hunky dorey!
Today was the first GOOD day I've had! No 'episodes'! My dad is home! My son's first day of kindergarten went super well. AND today is the first day of my newly doubled medication! Also, my husband was home today, which was fantastic. I'm so thankful for a supportive husband. Wonderful friends and family that are hanging in their with me.

And it strikes AGAIN!

I haven't posted much lately, truth is, I haven't been on the computer much. I had surgery at the end of may for (warning) really bad monthly cycles that were never ending and double you over painful. Turns out it was scar tissue that was compressing my bladder and wrapped around my uterus. I think I've mentioned that before. About a week and a half later I started experiencing anxiety. Not just a little, like PPD kind of anxiety. I was reluctant to mention it to my OB because our family doctor retired and I don't want to be medicated by someone who barely knows me. The upsetting part is that I have no idea why this is happening. Because even though I may 'look' like I just had a baby, I did NOT, so where is this coming from? Panic attacks were taking over and happening at weird places. Thankfully Dr. Laws (who also worked a miracle in my cousin by saving her and her precious baby girl!, he is just that great) is treating whatever is going on. Personally, I think he accidentally hit an anxiety switch in me while performing my surgery. The great news is that my monthly cycle is nearly painless, still long, but I can deal with that, and I'm still regulating. So, I'm on two medications and I am going back to the doctor for a follow up in about an hour. The first three weeks were great on the meds. I used one rarely and took the other daily as prescribed. But, all of the sudden the attacks are so easily triggered and cause instant vomiting and hyperventilating.
(For those that don't know me or even if you do, you might be thinking it's just a lack of strength. I used to think the same thing. Just push the anxiety away and you will be fine. Totally untrue, during an 'attack' my mind is saying 'stop stoP STOP' but I just can't!)
Thankfully, my husband is being so wonderful and gracious and helping me. I'm blessed that he meant "for better for worse".
I've really wrestled with whether or not to post this. But, God will not give me more than I can handle, and I know there are others that have the same if not worse problems than me. I'm blessed beyond measure. I pray that God will use this anxiety to His Glory.