Bridges Burned!

I have to get this off my chest! This is in no way directed to any one person or party! Just something I have noticed over the OH so wonderful FACEBOOK!
I love FB, I never thought I would be a FB lover, but those pregnant sleepless nights became a little more bearable when I became curious and started my profile. First I looked up my brother, then teacher friends, and so on, and so forth. I've been connected to family and friends all over the world! We schedule playdates, chat, and keep up to date with events all using facebook. Much like a car, that you have to take a test and get a license to drive; facebook can be a dangerous vehicle. It can 'burn a bridge' permanently, if used for the wrong reasons. I can remember a time when I was really mouthy! I didn't care who I hurt because I was always in the right! (ha) With age, I have learned that keeping my mouth shut is much more important, because it is just not worth it to lose lifelong friends or family all because I'm aggravated for a short time. So, I think we should implement having to get a license before being able to take facebook for a drive. Not only would facebook be a safer place, but it would also be a little nicer. Because to get a license, you would have to pass an ettiqette test to use facebook. Don't use a person's name or a title and then completely trash said person for all the world to see. Don't allow others to make negative comments when the person being trashed is not there to defend themself. It's sad. Because you may not just hurt that one person, you may hurt those that love that person, whether the person is 9 or 90, we all have feelings. So, just like the Bible tells us, just like God commands us "Love thy neighbor". That doesn't just mean those next to you. That is everyone. Keep hurtful thoughts of others to yourself. Or have a close friend you can 'vent' to and then maybe have a praydate. I'm not perfect. I've said so many times! I just had to vent these frustrations. Without a name or title! Everyone has good in them, we have some bad too, it's what we choose to act on that makes us who we are.

Do they Know?

Yesterday, I went out for a bit on my own. I was to meet a friend who made a gift for B-man's best friends birthday party. As I was about to leave I could feel that all to familiar feeling in my chest, the burning in my arms, and then the thinking while I breathe, so that I don't breathe to fast. Since I was going to meet a friend I didn't want to fall over the edge so I took my 'emergency' medicine. The medicine I take in addition to the daily dose of Prozac when I can feel an anxiety episode coming on. I was driving in downtown Fort Smith, the party scene is just getting started and I noticed a new sign at the top of a tall building. The sign was there to let others know what company is not located there. I don't even remember what it said, I just remember the official business feel it had to it. Then my mind starts to race (I know every bit of this is irrational) and I'm thinking, "I should be at work in one of those buildings, bringing in some type of income, Little M in daycare" and then the crying starts, the rapid breathing gets a little worse and J calls. Funny how that happens. He asks me to get him a black belt while I'm out and the moment he speaks to me he knows. He says "Take a deep breath, enjoy sometime on your own and with your friend, Little M is sleeping, she is just fine, B-man and I are playing, everything is okay" He's so sweet. Most men would have run by now. Mine sends me a text "Remember I love you and we will get through this together". Since I had taken my med I was starting to calm down. I got to JCPenney and as I walked through the store I couldn't help but think "No one knows, she has no idea. Can they see my hands quivering? Would anybody ever guess I just took a Zanex?" "Would anyone guess that ME, an overweight mother of two, just took a zanex in hopes of feeling normal again?","Where is my normal? What is my normal? I can't take this any longer? I wish I could just pass out and someone wake me up when they found a cure." All so irrational, but thoughts that race all the time. Just coming off of a good day and the hammer falls again, like I know it will, like it always does. More in the day and the life of this 'illness'. I know longer feel bad for taking medication to feel happy, even though the happy is sparse, at least it comes. I can't feel bad for trying to get my kids mother back, the one who didn't cry all the time. I don't feel bad for trying to give my husband back his wife, the one who can clean and laugh instead of being curled up on the couch hoping not of fall apart. I won't feel bad for trying to give myself back to me.

More Good

Let me preface this by saying how much I am blessed. I'm fully aware that there are struggles and losses far greater than mine. I'm not complaining through this 'illness', I'm just trying to work out my feelings and either get back to normal or find a new normal that I can live with.

Yesterday I had more good than bad. For me that is huge! I didn't have to take my 'emergency' medication at all yesterday. My day started with waking my little ones and having a breakfast and devotional with my son. Little M is fighting this new special time between B-man and myself. She has now decided that she will just wake everyone up before it's time. That's what I get for letting her sleep those first few days, because you know she doesn't like to miss a thing! Then I called my dad to check on my step-mom, had an impromptu breakfast and perused the isles of our new Savers before heading to library time with my wee little girl. She laughed and did a little dance. She met another little girl named Miranda that is about her age and we got to see little Owen from church with his Grandma. I love the ladies at the library. They are two of the kindest women I know. And they have an incredible memory. The first thing Ms. Judy asked was "Where is B-man?" (well, she used his real name:) And we haven't seen them in a few months due to my 'working' with a friend on Thursday mornings. But, since I'm too crazy for that now....I'm taking Little M for story time. My Psychologist Dr. F gave me some homework for the week. It was "Make and keep plans with friends" and "Focus on one day at a time. Today I am a stay-at-home-mom and a house wife. Don't focus on what I'm NOT accomplishing" The first one I did. But the second one is really hard. However, I had a surprise nap yesterday! My mind shut off while my daughter was resting and I drifted off to sleepy land. How wonderful. Then I picked my son up from Kindergarten, we came home, did homework, read books, laughed, watched a movie together and had dinner. B-man and I cuddled on the floor while Little M used us both as jungle gyms. I kissed their soft cheeks and thanked Jesus for a good day.
Meanwhile, Little M has decided she loves her baby dolls. We are now taking them in the car and she walks around with them all the time, stopping to kiss and hug them ever couple of steps. It's so sweet and different from the Hot Wheel Car Crashes I'm used too.

Kindergarten

Yes, it's true, my little June Baby started school last week. He is having a great time. I am now on the other side of education. The parent (insert JAWS music here). I have decided that the best compliment a teacher can give a parent is "thank you for working with your child". If you know my little angel you know he is a talker. That coupled with being with mommy instead of preschool can make things a little rough on teacher. This compliment to me means two things. One: she knows I'm on her side and will support her efforts. Two: B-man is getting better with the structure because his teacher and I are working together. His teacher we will call Mrs. D. She is a veteran teacher of 30 years that has NOT lost her edge. She teaches because she wants to, not because she has too. Both wonderful qualities. I really like her, she is kind and firm. He is making friends and learning alot. He is not behind due to lack of preschool. He already knows all he is required to for kindergarten. So, he did pay attention when I was working with him. I had my doubts.
My son and I start out each morning reading his children's Bible, having a devotional, and praying. Something I used to do at night, then sluffed off of, but have recently felt the nudge to pick up again. It makes all the difference.
This is bittersweet, my baby in kindergarten. I can't help but think and pray for those whose children will never make it to this milestone. Being a parent is a wonderful blessing. Children are a gift that God gives and trust us to take gentle care. Say a prayer for parents who have loved and lost. My son and I do every night.

Who?What?When?Where?How?

Who?
Me! Wife of nearly eight years to the most wonderful man! Mother of one fun, energetic, inquisitive little boy and of one fun-loving, melt-your-heart, beautiful daughter. Daughter of Christ. From a divorced family with one incredible step-mom. Sister to a pain in the tush 16 year old brother. Blessed to marry into a stable mother and father-in-law who bless my life with their unconditional love.
What?
What do I have? Well, like diabetes or high blood pressure; I have an 'illness' known as anxiety and depression. (The analogy is from my doctor) An 'illness' that I have to learn to deal with. (And I can't believe I'm writing about it here for complete strangers to read but my doctor says the more I try to hide it, the worse it will get.)
When?
When did this come up? Well, if you ask those I know, they might say "I knew she was crazy a long time ago." I personally have known from an early age that I worried more than any other kids. It has popped up from time to time in my life, but I have mostly been able to suppress it. My last severe 'pop-up' I got a tattoo. I've had PDD after my second child but I was able to get past it without medication. Back in May I had a surgery and a week after that, this 'illness' came up with a vengeance. Since then, I've had 'call 911!' anxiety attacks. Thankfully, my husband is an EMT so, he was able to take care of me until it 'passed' into a less severe situation.
Where?
Where does it happen? Anywhere, anytime. It happens mostly due to a trigger of some sort. But I never know what the trigger is or when it will happen. I can pinpoint some triggers but a new one pops up all the time. Like driving, a movie, sound of the air-conditioner coming on, the thought of my daughter being in daycare (that one just pushes me over the edge)
How?
So, how will this be treated? Well, I'm told it will never completely disappear, I will have to learn to control it with therapy, medication, and 'self-talk'.

This 'illness' makes me mad! Financially, I need to bring in some income, but for now am not capable of work. It's infuriating because this is so minuscule compared to things others have been through! I know strong women, who lose family members to cancer or some other tragedy, and they are stronger than me.
Here is what I have learned! 4 months ago I would have said what I'm going through now is DUMB and someone just needs to put her big girl panties on! Now, I know that according to my doctor I almost waited to long to treat this and nearly ended up hospitalized. That still may happen. I've done nothing to create this, it's just a part of who I am. My Savior will only give me what I can handle and He answers prayers. This 'illness' will work for His Glory one way or another. So, even though most days I can barely get out of bed, sadness overwhelms me, worthlessness consumes almost every thought, I will still............get out of bed...smile for my kids...make and keep plans...love my husband and family...love my Lord...and keep on going.

Homework Flashbacks

Well, today my son comes home with 3 smiley faces and 1 frowny face. Why? Because during classroom time he wasn't staying in his seat or listening. At an early age I realized my son had an adversion to learning with me. Homeschool would not be an option. So, today he brings home the two pages that he didn't get done during classroom time! 40 minutes for TWO pages. And then I remembered one dreary day sitting at the kitchen table. I was supposed to copy one paragraph from my Arkansas History Book (back when that was considered learning! ha) and I was trying with every ounce of my beng to get out of it. My dad did NOT give in even a little! I ended up finishing the assignment and I don't believe I ever pulled that again. Present day, sitting at the table with my son I kept a quiet but stern voice, said a silent prayer and told myself, if we have to sit here all weekend, he WILL do this homework!!!!! He did....finally. Lots of positive reinforcement "What a great job with your R! I love watching you write" Now, he is playing happily with playdoh, while me daughter uses me as a jungle gym in the midst of my typing. I think she is trying to tell me something!
I wouldn't give this up for anything! Life is precious!

The First Day

I have had some very difficult days in the past two weeks. At one point I was ready to check myself into the hospital. But I didn't want to miss my son's first day of kindergarten or be away from either kid for very long. So, I suffered, and finally made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She says I'm not crazy! Not yet anyway. But, I'm right on the edge of losing all functionability. Seriously, I keep thinking it can't get worse and then it does. I'm not going out a lot because I never know when an 'episode' will occur. I had three in one day! After just one I'm zapped! Three was nearly unbearable. That same day (after the episodes had come and gone) I found out that a former collegue's precious daughter was in the fight of her life. A fight that was won for heaven. Leightyn went to be with Jesus this past Saturday. Her family needs prayers, she is a very loved little girl that will be missed by everyone who ever set eyes on her. I'm heart broken for them. Our children are the same age, both getting ready for kindergarten. So, today, as I was taking my son to his first day of school, I couldn't help but think about Leightyn. Please pray for them.
Later the same day my dad ended up in the hospital for a possible heart attack. He was so sick no visitors were allowed. My step mother has taken wonderful care of him. He had two stents (sp?) put in because of 90 percent blockage, and the lower right portion of his heart wasn't even beating. So scary! I'm so thankful he is okay.
So, I'm taking it one minute at a time. I've learned that this is not situational, it is chemical. I can be okay when I should be super sad and scared AND super sad and scared when every thing else is hunky dorey!
Today was the first GOOD day I've had! No 'episodes'! My dad is home! My son's first day of kindergarten went super well. AND today is the first day of my newly doubled medication! Also, my husband was home today, which was fantastic. I'm so thankful for a supportive husband. Wonderful friends and family that are hanging in their with me.

Leightyn

This is Leightyn. A vibrant little girl that loves being creative, playing with her sister, and having adventures. Her mother is Missy, we used to teach together and were pregnant at the same time. Me with a son, her with a daughter. Recently this seemingly healthy girl was found to have bleeding on her brain. She has been air lifted to Children's Hospital where they promptly put a drain tube in to alleviate the pressure from her brain. Unfortunately nothing seems to be working. Currently her God fearing parents and family are waiting on MRI results. I can't imagine how they are feeling. Will you please say a prayer for a miracle and comfort for Leightyn's loving mom and dad.