What I don't want my kids to know.

I don't want my kids to know that I don't know how we are going to pay the house payment. I don't want them to know that we can't make some bills because their mother has to see a crazy doctor and take crazy medication. It's expensive being this crazy. I'm on 90mg of anti-depressant a day. All in an effort to cope with normal daily activity. J and I have a pact not to talk about finances around our children. We don't want them to know we are struggling. I want their lives to be uncomplicated. I want them to know how much they are loved and I want their bellies to be full. I should be in a puddle on the floor. A hyper-ventilating mess. But instead I'm typing this because well, with 90mg of anti-depressant... I have no emotion left. I feel lost and scared but I can't show it outwardly. I am thankful for the struggle because that means I have a life filled with blessings. I don't want my kids to ever know this struggle. I don't want them to know what it is like to spend over two hundred a month for a psychologist. We don't spend frivolously. We don't have cable, I don't go on expensive play dates, I don't eat out at all. The last McDonald's I had was when I was with my Grandma and she paid. My freezer is filled with .88 Banquet meals. And I have no idea how we can make a house payment. How we can keep the electricity on and how I will put gas in the car. I know we will survive. But I don't know how it will happen. I know God is in control and He loves us and knows our struggles. He tells us not to be anxious and not to worry where the next meal will come from. He also knows that we aren't in this situation because we blew money we didn't have. We haven't blown money at all. It's just expensive being crazy.