Full Circle

Since becoming a Mom in 2005 and again in 2009 I feel like my experiences have brought me full circle. Life has given me a lot. At the time of my son's birth, well, I felt like life was over, I felt like I wasn't going to survive if I lost him. Now, I realize how fortunate we really were, how much worse it could have been. My heart has become tender for other moms who have struggled or lost. Especially this time of year.
Most recently,as I watched my son throw a huge tantrum. I stood back and just thought of how crazy he was acting. He's frustrated as he tries to grow into an individual. Five and half years ago, I thought the hospital was going to forever be our life. I now have a great appreciation of this stage in his life. And I say a prayer of thanks. Now, I have a respect for other moms that I didn't have before. Just like each child is precious and unique, so are each parent's style of parenting. I am just finding myself really really grateful. I've been given a heart for other parents. Being content when very little money is in the bank.
I find myself loving more and hating less. I will never regret this time with my children. My car is beat up, my clothes are old and some nights I feel really overwhelmed. But I'm learning everyday to appreciate it all.

Kelly's Korner!

I love MOPS! And we were so blessed to have Kelly Stamps come and speak! She is so genuine and inspirational! I absolutely loved meeting her. And Little M got to play with her Harper! They got a long great. I'm so proud to be apart of such a wonderful group.

Update

ER visit, walk-in visit, paralyzing. That describes my past couple of days. I want to be positive, so, I'll say it could be worse. I'd been doing really well with my anxiety/depression, no major breakdowns. Then, all of the sudden, after a major blessing (where's the trigger)things started to crash.
Friday:
I had B-man's parent-teacher conference.
I spent sometime with the kids playing outside at a friend's house.
I got called for an interview this coming Tuesday.
Got to go shopping for B-man's Halloween Costume.
That night things started going down hill. I was all of the sudden rigid, couldn't loosen up, lost motor control in my right foot and right hand. I was walking like I was in pain. But I wasn't. I was just very uncomfortable.
Saturday:
I had a break-down from trying to hold it together for so long. I couldn't figure out if I was having anxiety because of the symptoms or symptoms because of the anxiety. I went to a walk-in and the doctor there informed me I should be at the hospital, but she gave me some medicine and sent me on my way.
The medicine did nothing except make my mouth water.
Sunday:
I went to church, listened to several of my friends ask what was wrong even though I was really trying to hide it. But felt better after some great worship and a wonderful sermon. I even got my kids dressed for Halloween and took them with my husband to the festival. Also went trick or treating. Slept okay that night thanks to melatonin.
Monday:
I called my psychologist for a referral to a psychiatrist. I got into the clinic today and my awesome husband took off to go with me. Well, once I got there the clinician quickly said I needed to be in the ER. So, off to the ER with the clinician. The doctor there said it looked like I was having a side effect of something. They gave me a shot to loosen my muscles without having a side effect, so, I was able to drive myself home. I feel a little better, not totally like I would like though. He also gave me a prescription of a medicine to eliminate my body of the toxins that may be causing this. And now I am supposed to make a follow up with a NeuroPsychiatrist. Here is where I am. Here is where I'll be. At the same time my Lord and Savior can heal this or use it to His Glory. So, to Jesus be the Glory. I pray for miraculous healing so that I can be the mom, wife, and woman of God I'm meant to be. I really love our Lord and I'll forever trust in Him.

PS. A positive post coming. I got to meet Kelly Stamps for Kellyskornerblog! Such a blessing.

Grateful

Today was a really tough day.
I have days when I can't imagine feeling that way again.
Then there are days when I can't imagine happiness again.
Today is one of those days.
I'm longing for the good; positive it will return.
For now...I cling to my daughter and hug my son and laugh with my husband
They are the reason I won't give up.
I'm grateful

Sickness

I've been really bad about not posting pictures lately. I seem to always forget my camera.
Right now, as I type, there is a sick little boy trying to sleep on the couch, with a bowl close by his side. On our way home Friday night my son said from the back seat "I think I'm going to be sick" (I knew he wasn't joking) I looked at my husband and he just shook his head. I turned to my son and said "Do you think you can wait til we get home?" and his response was "Yes, mommy, I'll wait" (in such a sweet innocent voice I might add) Not FIVE seconds later he said "We need to pull over", in the most sickly voice he could muster to convey the urgency of the moment! We pulled over fast, but not fast enough (my husband was driving). He threw up everywhere, but was fine after that. He slept through the night and woke up happy. But after having a small sip of water he lost it again and again and again. No church for us on Sunday because he wouldn't have been 24 hours puke free. Now I know why they have that rule! Right at the 24 hour mark he started throwing up again!
I don't know how much you know about depression/anxiety but someone that has a mind like mine, full of what-if's and this could... Well, I'm a little on edge. Not having an attack so far but my mind is racing. So, I think I'll go do some more Beth Moore Bible Study and see if that can calm me down.

Had Another Good Day

I'm beginning to take my days as they come and not 'worry' about what is to come. Bills may not get paid (they do, eventually) but I can't worry about that. I have to get sane again. I may be living at my in-laws or my Grandma's when all is said and done, but hey, I'll have my family. J is awesome, loving, supportive, and completely busy all the time. A fishing extravaganza is coming soon for him and I'm so thrilled that he will get sometime to himself. He truly deserves it.
Today was a good day. I forgot to take my prozac this morning and was able to take a nap for a bit today. I haven't slept in weeks!!!! I've been shaky, so shaky, and I feel like I've got pop rocks jumping around in me. At any moment I'm going to take off on a marathon. But then that would reap havoc on my figure (think about.... now laugh with me. Ha Ha) So, now I'm wondering if prozac is the best for me. The last time I tried stopping it I had several meltdowns.
I think today was great because it started with a trip to Hobby Lobby, I love looking in there, even if I can't buy anything. Then had a play date at a local neighborhood park with Mops Moms and their kiddos. After I picked up B-man and got the great news that he had all Happy Faces. What are Happy Faces? That is how B-man's school rates behavior in each section of his day Classroom Behavior, Lunchroom Behavior, Recess Behavior, and Nap time Behavior. So we headed to Learning Oasis (had a gift certificate) then we got ice cream because B-man was also able to finish all his work without missing more than two. He missed one because he colored his "PURPLE" page RED! I think that was just a boy thing.
Hope you had a great day as well!

Not Me Monday...A little early

I've been trying to spend more and more time with my children as individuals. So, after playing football with my son, he wanted to play "WEEEE"! While swinging him back from the couch I noticed the tied knot of his Khaki shorts. "Hmmm? That looks like Little M's capri pants!" So YES or NOT ME! I handed B-man his shorts this afternoon before going to the Grandparents Home (My kids have the best BEST grandparents and great grandparent) I handed my son a pair of 18 month capri pants of this sister's. And they FIT!!!! Barely snug on him and a little big on her! Oh my heavens. SO glad I didn't send him to school like that or church even!

4 am

No one should ever have to see this time of night/morning! I'm awake and obviously can't sleep. So much fun. I'm cuddling with my 5 year old tonight and I can't believe how much room a 32 lb boy can take up. Well, I better get back to bed. I need to at least attempt to sleep and the 5 year old knows when I'm awake.

What I don't want my kids to know.

I don't want my kids to know that I don't know how we are going to pay the house payment. I don't want them to know that we can't make some bills because their mother has to see a crazy doctor and take crazy medication. It's expensive being this crazy. I'm on 90mg of anti-depressant a day. All in an effort to cope with normal daily activity. J and I have a pact not to talk about finances around our children. We don't want them to know we are struggling. I want their lives to be uncomplicated. I want them to know how much they are loved and I want their bellies to be full. I should be in a puddle on the floor. A hyper-ventilating mess. But instead I'm typing this because well, with 90mg of anti-depressant... I have no emotion left. I feel lost and scared but I can't show it outwardly. I am thankful for the struggle because that means I have a life filled with blessings. I don't want my kids to ever know this struggle. I don't want them to know what it is like to spend over two hundred a month for a psychologist. We don't spend frivolously. We don't have cable, I don't go on expensive play dates, I don't eat out at all. The last McDonald's I had was when I was with my Grandma and she paid. My freezer is filled with .88 Banquet meals. And I have no idea how we can make a house payment. How we can keep the electricity on and how I will put gas in the car. I know we will survive. But I don't know how it will happen. I know God is in control and He loves us and knows our struggles. He tells us not to be anxious and not to worry where the next meal will come from. He also knows that we aren't in this situation because we blew money we didn't have. We haven't blown money at all. It's just expensive being crazy.

Advice Costs Less

Worth Much More
This article I found hanging on my dad and step-mom's refridgerator! My step-mom has a way of always finding great things, be it; books, movies, clothes, funiture!
I can only take credit for enjoying this article and paraphrasing, it was written by Sharon Randall in the Southwest Times Record.

"Tips for How to Stay Married"
1. Listen to each other. Seek first to understand before trying to be understood. When you are wrong, say you are sorry. When you are right... SHUT UP!
2. Don't tie a half-hitch knot. Plan to stay married forever.
3. Never go to sleep angry. Keep talking until you get over it or forget why you were mad.
4. Laugh together. If you can laugh at yourself, it'll be easy.
5. Never embarrass, criticize or correct on another in public; try not to do it in private, either.
6. Don't expect perfection. It doesn't exist. If it did, it would bore you spitless.
7. Remember one of life's ironies: We are least lovable when we need love most.
8. On days when you don't like each other, try to remember that you love each other. Pray for the 'good' days to come again, then act as if they already have.
9. Tell the truth, only the truth, and always with great kindness.
10. Kiss for at least ten seconds everyday without fail; do it all at once or spread it out.
11. Examine your relationship often. Know it's vulnerabilities. Keep it moving in the direction you both want to go.
12. Be content with what you have materially, honest about where you are emotionally and never stop growing spiritually.
13. To love someone is to wish them the best; always wish each other nothing but the very best.
14. Never yell unless the house is on fire. Speak softly when you argue. Whisper when you fight. Keep it fair and show some class. Hurtful words can be forgiven, but they can never be taken back.
15. Be best friends, as well as lovers. In a blackout, share the flashlight. Then turn it off and make your own electricity.
16. Show by your actions as well as your words that the person you married comes first in your life. Let nothing and no one come between you.
17. Remember that your in love. Kiss in elevators. Hold hands in movies. Lock eyes in a crowded room. Say "your beautiful, and I love you." Then say it again.
18. Never miss a birthday or anniversary or a moment to make a memory. Memories may not seem important now, but one day you will treasure them.
19. Take care of business. Pay your bills. Mow the grass. And call your mother.
20. Open your home and your hearts to angels unaware. Teach Sunday School. Coach Little League. Feed the homeless. Talk to strangers. Make something beautiful of your life together.

Blast from the Past

Today I went to a Ladies Breakfast at my church with the title "Leaving a Legacy". It was all about what we will leave behind and partly about writing out your life story including the good, the bad, and the ugly for our children and their children. I'm excited to get started on it. I hope as I delve into my past I will come to peace with somethings and be able to reset my life on forward.
Do you remember Popples? They are an 80's plush toy. I had this purple one and I still have it (not sure where though) Anyway, my house burned down to the ground in 1987, I was six years old, in the first grade, and class pictures were the next day (not good seeing as how my entire wardrobe burned in the fire). I had been with my dad for a visit and it was time for him to take me home to my mom. I remember seeing all these huge fire hoses all over my street and my eyes just kind of followed the winding hose to the nozzle with a powerful stream of water aimed directly at my house (did I mention it was around Christmas, so all my presents burned too). Time stood still and all I could think of is "MARY ANN (my popples' name) IS IN MY ROOM, SOMEONE SAVE MARY ANN!!!!!" My dad, my hero, ran into to burning house and found my Mary Ann, my soft purple and pink Popples. This is the reason I still have Mary Ann. She was my whole world and I didn't care one bit that she smelled as if she just came from a smoke stack. A memory...of long ago...yet I can still see the fire, smell the smoke, and feel the heat. I will never know what it was like for my dad to run into a burning house. But I do know, now, what that love is like, because, I would do the same. I hope and pray that I can pass that feeling onto my own two children.

Random Thoughts

*Wondering who is going to win Big Brother? Really hoping Lane wins and Enzo goes home.

*Thinking there has to be an easier way to take my son to school in a torrential down pour with a 20 month baby in the car.

*Why is it that my husband gets called to an emergency or fire right as we sit down to dinner.

*Why is it that every time I think about work, I just want to throw up?

*Thankful for my family and husband.

*Why does my daughter continuously climb on chairs and stoves?

*90 mg of anti-depressants a day is really helping, helping in a way that I can get through daily activities with out having a panic attack, but not in the way that I could go back to work, I would pass out if I were forced that way.

*Going to be starting a Beth Moore Study next week, I'm so so SO excited about it too!

Flutter Flower

Here is a flower to make your day! Here it is raining and dreary. But inside we are all flowers and sunshine! Ok, maybe just flowers.

Flowers

I've been feeling a little crafty! So, I'm back to making bows and clips. I'm really strange like that. I can't make myself do something creative or crafty if I'm not in the mood. My project won't turn out worth a flip.

It's nice to be feeling again. I'm learning to focus on the positive, to think positive and even though I don't know how bills will get paid at times, I am just focusing on today. "Today I'm a stay-at-home-mom, today I'm a housewife, today I am..."

I adore my husband. I adore my daughters soft brown curls. I adore the majestic spirit my son has. I'm blessed and I'm thankful and even though it takes a cocktail of 90mg per day to help me feel this way, I still have hope that I will be able to wean off of the meds and enjoy everyday God gives me!

Positve Glimmer

The only way I can describe depression/anxiety is like this; deep dark in a black cave, completely closed off from the world, no hope of rescue, no sunshine to be seen again. It reminds me of The Count of Monticristo's time in prison. Last Sunday Evening after church I felt like there was a glimmer of hope. A beacon of light in the far distance, still far away, but I can see it, now I've just got to learn to walk the path to it, picture the path being a tightrope. I felt like God was whispering to me "Stop trying to pinpoint what you feel like is wrong, and learn to live a new life, reborn and repurposed" I told J about how I was feeling. I can't begin to express my gratitude that I vowed to love, honor, and cherish nearly 8 years ago. He could laugh or say 'suck it up' but instead he loves and supports me. Just as my parents and his parents have done.
Recently I've been listening to 'The Secret' and I'm learning from this book, a way for me to reconfigure my thinking. I don't agree with all of it, for instance, 'ask and you shall receive' has been taken out of context. But the Law of Attraction does make since. You know the old saying "Misery loves company" well, happy people rub off just as much as a grumpy person can. So, time to rebuild my functioning for something positive. Revelation of my purpose will be revealed in His timing. For now, my goal is to think positive thoughts.

Bridges Burned!

I have to get this off my chest! This is in no way directed to any one person or party! Just something I have noticed over the OH so wonderful FACEBOOK!
I love FB, I never thought I would be a FB lover, but those pregnant sleepless nights became a little more bearable when I became curious and started my profile. First I looked up my brother, then teacher friends, and so on, and so forth. I've been connected to family and friends all over the world! We schedule playdates, chat, and keep up to date with events all using facebook. Much like a car, that you have to take a test and get a license to drive; facebook can be a dangerous vehicle. It can 'burn a bridge' permanently, if used for the wrong reasons. I can remember a time when I was really mouthy! I didn't care who I hurt because I was always in the right! (ha) With age, I have learned that keeping my mouth shut is much more important, because it is just not worth it to lose lifelong friends or family all because I'm aggravated for a short time. So, I think we should implement having to get a license before being able to take facebook for a drive. Not only would facebook be a safer place, but it would also be a little nicer. Because to get a license, you would have to pass an ettiqette test to use facebook. Don't use a person's name or a title and then completely trash said person for all the world to see. Don't allow others to make negative comments when the person being trashed is not there to defend themself. It's sad. Because you may not just hurt that one person, you may hurt those that love that person, whether the person is 9 or 90, we all have feelings. So, just like the Bible tells us, just like God commands us "Love thy neighbor". That doesn't just mean those next to you. That is everyone. Keep hurtful thoughts of others to yourself. Or have a close friend you can 'vent' to and then maybe have a praydate. I'm not perfect. I've said so many times! I just had to vent these frustrations. Without a name or title! Everyone has good in them, we have some bad too, it's what we choose to act on that makes us who we are.

Do they Know?

Yesterday, I went out for a bit on my own. I was to meet a friend who made a gift for B-man's best friends birthday party. As I was about to leave I could feel that all to familiar feeling in my chest, the burning in my arms, and then the thinking while I breathe, so that I don't breathe to fast. Since I was going to meet a friend I didn't want to fall over the edge so I took my 'emergency' medicine. The medicine I take in addition to the daily dose of Prozac when I can feel an anxiety episode coming on. I was driving in downtown Fort Smith, the party scene is just getting started and I noticed a new sign at the top of a tall building. The sign was there to let others know what company is not located there. I don't even remember what it said, I just remember the official business feel it had to it. Then my mind starts to race (I know every bit of this is irrational) and I'm thinking, "I should be at work in one of those buildings, bringing in some type of income, Little M in daycare" and then the crying starts, the rapid breathing gets a little worse and J calls. Funny how that happens. He asks me to get him a black belt while I'm out and the moment he speaks to me he knows. He says "Take a deep breath, enjoy sometime on your own and with your friend, Little M is sleeping, she is just fine, B-man and I are playing, everything is okay" He's so sweet. Most men would have run by now. Mine sends me a text "Remember I love you and we will get through this together". Since I had taken my med I was starting to calm down. I got to JCPenney and as I walked through the store I couldn't help but think "No one knows, she has no idea. Can they see my hands quivering? Would anybody ever guess I just took a Zanex?" "Would anyone guess that ME, an overweight mother of two, just took a zanex in hopes of feeling normal again?","Where is my normal? What is my normal? I can't take this any longer? I wish I could just pass out and someone wake me up when they found a cure." All so irrational, but thoughts that race all the time. Just coming off of a good day and the hammer falls again, like I know it will, like it always does. More in the day and the life of this 'illness'. I know longer feel bad for taking medication to feel happy, even though the happy is sparse, at least it comes. I can't feel bad for trying to get my kids mother back, the one who didn't cry all the time. I don't feel bad for trying to give my husband back his wife, the one who can clean and laugh instead of being curled up on the couch hoping not of fall apart. I won't feel bad for trying to give myself back to me.

More Good

Let me preface this by saying how much I am blessed. I'm fully aware that there are struggles and losses far greater than mine. I'm not complaining through this 'illness', I'm just trying to work out my feelings and either get back to normal or find a new normal that I can live with.

Yesterday I had more good than bad. For me that is huge! I didn't have to take my 'emergency' medication at all yesterday. My day started with waking my little ones and having a breakfast and devotional with my son. Little M is fighting this new special time between B-man and myself. She has now decided that she will just wake everyone up before it's time. That's what I get for letting her sleep those first few days, because you know she doesn't like to miss a thing! Then I called my dad to check on my step-mom, had an impromptu breakfast and perused the isles of our new Savers before heading to library time with my wee little girl. She laughed and did a little dance. She met another little girl named Miranda that is about her age and we got to see little Owen from church with his Grandma. I love the ladies at the library. They are two of the kindest women I know. And they have an incredible memory. The first thing Ms. Judy asked was "Where is B-man?" (well, she used his real name:) And we haven't seen them in a few months due to my 'working' with a friend on Thursday mornings. But, since I'm too crazy for that now....I'm taking Little M for story time. My Psychologist Dr. F gave me some homework for the week. It was "Make and keep plans with friends" and "Focus on one day at a time. Today I am a stay-at-home-mom and a house wife. Don't focus on what I'm NOT accomplishing" The first one I did. But the second one is really hard. However, I had a surprise nap yesterday! My mind shut off while my daughter was resting and I drifted off to sleepy land. How wonderful. Then I picked my son up from Kindergarten, we came home, did homework, read books, laughed, watched a movie together and had dinner. B-man and I cuddled on the floor while Little M used us both as jungle gyms. I kissed their soft cheeks and thanked Jesus for a good day.
Meanwhile, Little M has decided she loves her baby dolls. We are now taking them in the car and she walks around with them all the time, stopping to kiss and hug them ever couple of steps. It's so sweet and different from the Hot Wheel Car Crashes I'm used too.

Kindergarten

Yes, it's true, my little June Baby started school last week. He is having a great time. I am now on the other side of education. The parent (insert JAWS music here). I have decided that the best compliment a teacher can give a parent is "thank you for working with your child". If you know my little angel you know he is a talker. That coupled with being with mommy instead of preschool can make things a little rough on teacher. This compliment to me means two things. One: she knows I'm on her side and will support her efforts. Two: B-man is getting better with the structure because his teacher and I are working together. His teacher we will call Mrs. D. She is a veteran teacher of 30 years that has NOT lost her edge. She teaches because she wants to, not because she has too. Both wonderful qualities. I really like her, she is kind and firm. He is making friends and learning alot. He is not behind due to lack of preschool. He already knows all he is required to for kindergarten. So, he did pay attention when I was working with him. I had my doubts.
My son and I start out each morning reading his children's Bible, having a devotional, and praying. Something I used to do at night, then sluffed off of, but have recently felt the nudge to pick up again. It makes all the difference.
This is bittersweet, my baby in kindergarten. I can't help but think and pray for those whose children will never make it to this milestone. Being a parent is a wonderful blessing. Children are a gift that God gives and trust us to take gentle care. Say a prayer for parents who have loved and lost. My son and I do every night.

Who?What?When?Where?How?

Who?
Me! Wife of nearly eight years to the most wonderful man! Mother of one fun, energetic, inquisitive little boy and of one fun-loving, melt-your-heart, beautiful daughter. Daughter of Christ. From a divorced family with one incredible step-mom. Sister to a pain in the tush 16 year old brother. Blessed to marry into a stable mother and father-in-law who bless my life with their unconditional love.
What?
What do I have? Well, like diabetes or high blood pressure; I have an 'illness' known as anxiety and depression. (The analogy is from my doctor) An 'illness' that I have to learn to deal with. (And I can't believe I'm writing about it here for complete strangers to read but my doctor says the more I try to hide it, the worse it will get.)
When?
When did this come up? Well, if you ask those I know, they might say "I knew she was crazy a long time ago." I personally have known from an early age that I worried more than any other kids. It has popped up from time to time in my life, but I have mostly been able to suppress it. My last severe 'pop-up' I got a tattoo. I've had PDD after my second child but I was able to get past it without medication. Back in May I had a surgery and a week after that, this 'illness' came up with a vengeance. Since then, I've had 'call 911!' anxiety attacks. Thankfully, my husband is an EMT so, he was able to take care of me until it 'passed' into a less severe situation.
Where?
Where does it happen? Anywhere, anytime. It happens mostly due to a trigger of some sort. But I never know what the trigger is or when it will happen. I can pinpoint some triggers but a new one pops up all the time. Like driving, a movie, sound of the air-conditioner coming on, the thought of my daughter being in daycare (that one just pushes me over the edge)
How?
So, how will this be treated? Well, I'm told it will never completely disappear, I will have to learn to control it with therapy, medication, and 'self-talk'.

This 'illness' makes me mad! Financially, I need to bring in some income, but for now am not capable of work. It's infuriating because this is so minuscule compared to things others have been through! I know strong women, who lose family members to cancer or some other tragedy, and they are stronger than me.
Here is what I have learned! 4 months ago I would have said what I'm going through now is DUMB and someone just needs to put her big girl panties on! Now, I know that according to my doctor I almost waited to long to treat this and nearly ended up hospitalized. That still may happen. I've done nothing to create this, it's just a part of who I am. My Savior will only give me what I can handle and He answers prayers. This 'illness' will work for His Glory one way or another. So, even though most days I can barely get out of bed, sadness overwhelms me, worthlessness consumes almost every thought, I will still............get out of bed...smile for my kids...make and keep plans...love my husband and family...love my Lord...and keep on going.

Homework Flashbacks

Well, today my son comes home with 3 smiley faces and 1 frowny face. Why? Because during classroom time he wasn't staying in his seat or listening. At an early age I realized my son had an adversion to learning with me. Homeschool would not be an option. So, today he brings home the two pages that he didn't get done during classroom time! 40 minutes for TWO pages. And then I remembered one dreary day sitting at the kitchen table. I was supposed to copy one paragraph from my Arkansas History Book (back when that was considered learning! ha) and I was trying with every ounce of my beng to get out of it. My dad did NOT give in even a little! I ended up finishing the assignment and I don't believe I ever pulled that again. Present day, sitting at the table with my son I kept a quiet but stern voice, said a silent prayer and told myself, if we have to sit here all weekend, he WILL do this homework!!!!! He did....finally. Lots of positive reinforcement "What a great job with your R! I love watching you write" Now, he is playing happily with playdoh, while me daughter uses me as a jungle gym in the midst of my typing. I think she is trying to tell me something!
I wouldn't give this up for anything! Life is precious!

The First Day

I have had some very difficult days in the past two weeks. At one point I was ready to check myself into the hospital. But I didn't want to miss my son's first day of kindergarten or be away from either kid for very long. So, I suffered, and finally made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She says I'm not crazy! Not yet anyway. But, I'm right on the edge of losing all functionability. Seriously, I keep thinking it can't get worse and then it does. I'm not going out a lot because I never know when an 'episode' will occur. I had three in one day! After just one I'm zapped! Three was nearly unbearable. That same day (after the episodes had come and gone) I found out that a former collegue's precious daughter was in the fight of her life. A fight that was won for heaven. Leightyn went to be with Jesus this past Saturday. Her family needs prayers, she is a very loved little girl that will be missed by everyone who ever set eyes on her. I'm heart broken for them. Our children are the same age, both getting ready for kindergarten. So, today, as I was taking my son to his first day of school, I couldn't help but think about Leightyn. Please pray for them.
Later the same day my dad ended up in the hospital for a possible heart attack. He was so sick no visitors were allowed. My step mother has taken wonderful care of him. He had two stents (sp?) put in because of 90 percent blockage, and the lower right portion of his heart wasn't even beating. So scary! I'm so thankful he is okay.
So, I'm taking it one minute at a time. I've learned that this is not situational, it is chemical. I can be okay when I should be super sad and scared AND super sad and scared when every thing else is hunky dorey!
Today was the first GOOD day I've had! No 'episodes'! My dad is home! My son's first day of kindergarten went super well. AND today is the first day of my newly doubled medication! Also, my husband was home today, which was fantastic. I'm so thankful for a supportive husband. Wonderful friends and family that are hanging in their with me.

Leightyn

This is Leightyn. A vibrant little girl that loves being creative, playing with her sister, and having adventures. Her mother is Missy, we used to teach together and were pregnant at the same time. Me with a son, her with a daughter. Recently this seemingly healthy girl was found to have bleeding on her brain. She has been air lifted to Children's Hospital where they promptly put a drain tube in to alleviate the pressure from her brain. Unfortunately nothing seems to be working. Currently her God fearing parents and family are waiting on MRI results. I can't imagine how they are feeling. Will you please say a prayer for a miracle and comfort for Leightyn's loving mom and dad.

And it strikes AGAIN!

I haven't posted much lately, truth is, I haven't been on the computer much. I had surgery at the end of may for (warning) really bad monthly cycles that were never ending and double you over painful. Turns out it was scar tissue that was compressing my bladder and wrapped around my uterus. I think I've mentioned that before. About a week and a half later I started experiencing anxiety. Not just a little, like PPD kind of anxiety. I was reluctant to mention it to my OB because our family doctor retired and I don't want to be medicated by someone who barely knows me. The upsetting part is that I have no idea why this is happening. Because even though I may 'look' like I just had a baby, I did NOT, so where is this coming from? Panic attacks were taking over and happening at weird places. Thankfully Dr. Laws (who also worked a miracle in my cousin by saving her and her precious baby girl!, he is just that great) is treating whatever is going on. Personally, I think he accidentally hit an anxiety switch in me while performing my surgery. The great news is that my monthly cycle is nearly painless, still long, but I can deal with that, and I'm still regulating. So, I'm on two medications and I am going back to the doctor for a follow up in about an hour. The first three weeks were great on the meds. I used one rarely and took the other daily as prescribed. But, all of the sudden the attacks are so easily triggered and cause instant vomiting and hyperventilating.
(For those that don't know me or even if you do, you might be thinking it's just a lack of strength. I used to think the same thing. Just push the anxiety away and you will be fine. Totally untrue, during an 'attack' my mind is saying 'stop stoP STOP' but I just can't!)
Thankfully, my husband is being so wonderful and gracious and helping me. I'm blessed that he meant "for better for worse".
I've really wrestled with whether or not to post this. But, God will not give me more than I can handle, and I know there are others that have the same if not worse problems than me. I'm blessed beyond measure. I pray that God will use this anxiety to His Glory.

Never try to HIDE a cookie

My daughter and I took our first Happy Hour Sonic run today! B-man decided he would rather stay home and play DS while watching Toy Story. Of course, I offered to get him something but he just said "Apple Juice please" So, I poured him juice and added a chocolate chip cookie to sweeten the deal. I told him where his juice was and about the cookie (I hid one freshly backed cookie so my daughter could have one as well).
Off we went to Sonic. I wish I had pictures but my camera is on the fritz probably due to being handled by underage users (my kids). My daughter thinks she is such a big girl because Mommy ordered her a drink all to herself. (Water of course, no sugar drinks for a 17 month old) The little child size water is so big compared to my 20 pound daughter!
When we got home she stood so proud with her drink. Of course she wants to carry the now nearly empty Sonic cup complete with straw all around the house. DANGER. No straw injuries please. (When B-man had his eye surgery I remember seeing another child who had surgery due to a PEN going through his eye, just carrying it around and one little fall)
Also! Hidden cookie was FOUND! By my son who says "I'm not sorry I ate it, it's in my tummy and it was good" My fault, I wasn't clear in my instructions. I should have said "You may have the ONE cookie I sat out for you, the other HIDDEN one is NOT for you, it's for your sister! Lesson Learned.

Of course I start blogging and my daughter wakes up from her nap. So I will make this quick. Little M has the cutest curly hair. She can wear pigtails now, although she's not a fan of sitting for me to do it. But she does demand a bow! I'm not kidding! She will go and get a bow or stand next to one of her bow holders and point.
Also, post flood, I have dug deep and decided to be creative (which of course means to steal my friend's great ideas). I recently completed Little M's name to go in her room. And I've also finished the rest of the decorating. Yes, my daughter is 17 months old and her 'nursery' is just now to the point that I am completely satisfied. I tried really hard to get it done before she was born, but try as I might the 'honey-do-list' did not get completed until I could do it myself. It's so hard to get the unwilling to become willing when it comes to a 'bossy' pregnant woman who is already panicked because she KNOWS the baby is going to come early. But I survived and now it is complete:) That makes me smile.
We have been super SUPER busy this week full of lots of fun at VBS! I love it!
Have a blessed day!

Not Much

Not much or maybe too much has been going on these days. My computer is not wanting to load pics, so sorry for the lack there of.
In Short.
B-man has been signed up for kindergarten. Not sure how I feel about that. I considered homeschooling, but I know he is ready for school.
Little M is doing wonderfully. She is so incredibly girly! From her squeals to her purse carrying, she is a girly girl. She is 'talking' so much lately. And all of her black straight hair from birth has been replaced with golden brown curls, which compliment her very dark brown eyes. Little M has attendency to run high fevers when she is sick. So, we battled that for about 4 days, it was thought to be pneumonia but turned out to be Rosiola, a fever virus that is known for extremely high temps. At one point she was up to 105.5. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep.
I had surgery. Dr. Laws in an incredible doctor and gives his patients the best care. Turned out I had scar tissue that grew over my bladder and uterus (I didn't know that was possible) so that all had to be removed. With that came some other issues that I may blog about later. I don't have a huge fan base, but I'm still processing what happened and may blog later for my on therapeutic reasons. Mostly, I will listen to God and if I feel led to share I will know it is because He wants me to.
Good Night for Now!

Well, we've been in our home for a month now. Still don't have the guest bathroom all put back together. But I love the new floors and carpet. I just hate how we got them.
I've been working really hard to keep the house clean. Now, the garage, that's another story. I'm leaving that up to my husband.
I've been sleeping so much better after taking my friend's recommendation to try Melotonin supplements. I feel like my enternal clock has been reset and my body now know night from day.
B-man got to meet his new kindergarten teacher. I really like her. I'm excited and nervous for my little boy to start kindergarten in the fall. I find myself wondering if the other kids will be nice to him, will he fit in, will he want to learn more at school than he does here? Although, he finally has let me show him how to write his letters. He is pretty small compared to the other kids. Funny thing, everything that his name was written on was misspelled! Glad we caught it before the first day of school.
Little M has a 'mystery fever' right now. I took her to the pediatrician today. No obvious sign of infection. They did a cath to check for a UTI, thankfully that was negative. She is just running fever, feeling fussy and sluggish and not eating well. She didn't even smile for her daddy today and she ALWAYs has a smile for him. Of course, my obvious fear is some underlying invader that is causing the trouble. So, I'll just keep waking every 3 hours to alternate Tylenol and Motrin, and of course keep a very close eye on her. I have a feeling our weekend will be spent inside.
Also, if you read this, say a little prayer for my brother. He's 16 and in need of spiritual guidance and intervention.

Sweet Collin

Yesterday, Emily and Phillip Marsh watched their two year old boy go to be with Jesus. I will never understand the death of a child. My heart is broken for Collin's Parents. This couple goes to my church, I don't know them personally, but I've been praying for them without end since he was diagnosed. His life meant something to me, with his life, I was able to teach my 4 year old boy how to pray for someone else. My son's first prayer for Collin was "God, please let Collin grow up to be big just like me". With all my heart, I have prayed for him to be healed this side of heaven. Collin is in no more pain, he doesn't have to have anymore doctor visits. Because he is with the Great Physician now. For Collin, he has had his day of glory. Now, I'll pray for his parents. Everything will be a reminder of thier Sweet Collin's life. I pray that God will overwhelm them with love, peace, and understanding.
Good Bye Sweet Collin. One day we will see you again.

Superpower

Well, we are finally back in our house. We have been here for a little over a week and we are all loving it. I do miss having adult conversation all the time to only having a 4 and 1 year old to chat with.
Mother's Day is just around the corner. This is a particulary special day for me, as a mother and a daughter. A little over a year ago, after my daughter was born, my best friend sent me a peice of flair on facebook that said "I make milk. What's your superpower?" I laughed at that because at the time I was having a difficult time nursing my baby and didn't know if I could stick with it for a year like I had planned. I did stick with it, plus a couple of month. This brought me to ponder the 'superpower' theory. I think EVERY mom has a super power, also known as intuition. On more than one occasion 'mother's intuition' has played a huge role in my life. Most recently I was talking to another mom I go to church with. We were waiting this past Wednesday in a church pew chatting until AWANA Awards Assembly took place. This mom started asking me about my son's eyes and how did I know something was off and when?. This mother of 3 boys begins to tell me her concerns for her newest bundle of joy. She said "I've never been an axiety ridden mom, never been burdened with concern" but for some reason, she was just so worried about her little 4 week old boy. The VERY NEXT day, she notices her baby is panting and fussy. She calls the doctor who asks her to bring him in to the office. After an x-ray they find that his lung is compressed and his stomach is in the wrong place due to a hernia (not sure how to spell but it's like a diaphramgtic) Bottom line is, she saved her son because 'mother's intuition' led her to seek medical attention. Baby boy has had surgery at Children's and is expected to make a full recovery! God, our Holy Saviour should be glorified! His print is all over this family! How awesome our God is! And what an awesome, special blessing it is to be called mom. So, Happy Mother's Day to my friend and her family. Happy Mother's Day to my Mom, Step-Mom, Mother-in-Law, and Grandma! You are all wonderful women!

Busy Busy but coming Together

We are still 'living' with my in-laws and I have honestly enjoyed it. There is almost always an adult here to talk to and with which to eat a meal. Cleaning is easier not only because we are living out of a laundry basket but because we are all pitching in.
On the down side! A monster has taken over my son's body. He has been wild, defiant, and mean! I've really been struggling and praying, struggling and praying. I want B-man to grow up with a sweet and kind spirit. I don't want him to be 'THAT' kid in the classroom. You know, the kid that never misses, but also never acts right; which in turn makes one misearable school year for teacher and other students. I'm told he acts nice around others though, so, I'll focus on that. I think this behavior comes from his several things. We are displaced from our home, his Daddy is staying at our house (rather than here) to try and get it ready for us to move in to, and he had some shots a week and a half ago, the same day our house flooded. But, he is also incredibly sweet and loving with me, unfortunately NOT his baby sister. It's not all bad....but I cried when he whacked at his sister with his jacket leaving a little red mark from his zipper and then turning around and doing it to his Grandmother. I don't know how many times a day I say 'LISTEN to ME'. I'm not being unrealistic in my requests of him, but he just doesn't hear me!!! I have faith that God is going to lead me through this storm.
I can't wait to post pictures of our house all redone! I'm super sore from moving all my furniture and painting Little M's room, the kid's bathroom and the master bedroom. But it will be worth it soon.

Flooded House

I woke up thinking yesterday was a nightmare. Did my house really flood? Is there really an estimated... well, huge amount in damage? Am I really homeless?

Then it all comes back. YES, I did come home to a flooded house. A flood that took our my living room, entire bathroom, and both of my kid's rooms.

Wow, that happened...

Trip to NWA

So, as I loaded these pics they came up in the opposite order that I had planned, and since I'm to lazy to redo it, I'll just tell you about our day in rewind:) Today we drove up to Fayettville to visit our friends Melindah and her mommy Lori. At the end of our park visit we decided to check out the creek and Mini (that is what we call Melindah for short) was all about the creek. She dived right in!

Little M on the other hand did not participate. I know, I'm such a mean mom. BUT, she is finally ALL well, just got off of antibiotic, and we had a bit of a drive before we would be home. I just wanted to be on the safe side with her.

B-man had a blast! It took him all of two seconds to fall flat on his hiney in the water. Oh well, he just rode home in the extra shirt I brought for him and no pants. I couldn't deny him an opportunity to play in a real creek. I used to have a great creek in my neighborhood as I was growing up. Until they concreted it, such a sad thing to do.

Getting brother and sister to both look at the camera is no easy task!

About as hard as getting to 15month old girls to smile and be close to each other! >

We had such a great day! Thanks Lori and Melindah! Can't wait to do it again.

Easter Eggs and other Smiles

Like many families across the US we dyed the traditional Easter Eggs. It was really easy this year because my son is at that age where he does so much of it on his own and DOESN'T create a huge mess.

Little M helped dye some eggs too. She wasn't really patient and didn't let them stay in the dye long. She just reached into the red and picked up that egg, took one look at it and put it in the blue cup. She is a girl who likes her purple.

Simply, wonderfully, dyed by my young God Loving Children.

On another note. Little M has decided that she is the boss! She is dainty and assertive. I took this snap shot right after Little M was attempting to get her brother away from her camera! But she loves him, you can tell.

After a long Friday and Saturday Little M was super duper tired. As I was getting her bath and bed ready, I found her like this. Cell phone and rocking chair while mom draws her bath. That's my girl~

New Friends

Aren't new friends such an incredible blessing!? At my son's T ball practice Little M made two new friends. From right to left we have my Little M, Chloe Jane, and Meredith! I foresee these 3 girls becoming great playmates as the investigate under the watchful eyes of we 3 moms!

I pray that my daughter will cherish all that friendships have to offer as she grows.

Reminds me of the Girl Scout song

"Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold."

Anyone remember that besides me?

On a heavier note. For me the blog and facebook world have a huge blessing but also made the hardships of life in others so much more close to home. A friend of mine from MOPS recently became an Aunt to a 1lb 9 oz baby boy Samuel. He was unexpectedly delivered by mom Sarah at 24 weeks 2 days. Such hard situation. Samuel is struggling for life and could really use your prayers. So , fellow prayer warriors, as often as you think of it, give thanks for your healthy babies and pray for those that are not. Pray for healing this side of Heaven for baby Samuel as a testament to God's incredible power and strength. Pray for comfort for Mom and Dad. The NICU rollercoaster is one of life's most difficult rides. You can read about baby Samuel HERE and keep updated.

Great

Yesterday went GREAT! I was super nervous, I don't love the thought of someone else being in control while I'm asleep. But Dr. Joseph is fantastic. The whole procedure took 3 hours. 15 minutes of which was the actual procedure. Ha! The usual, weight, pregnancy and medicine check. When the nurse said "Is there a possibility you could be pregnant?" I was like "NO" then she said, "How do you know?" Hm, "Well, because I'm pretty confident in our prevention methods" Then she said she still has to do a test. And here's why! That same morning a lady the age of 43 was in there to have some type of procedure done. They asked her the same question of of course she said there was no way she could be pregnant because she was menopausal. And guess what? She WAS pregnant!!! Surprise. God has a since of humor! So, no procedure for her! Mine was negative, so, they proceeded with the procedure.
It was mostly uneventful. I fell asleep, the doctor did his scope, and I woke up. I do have some damage to my esophagus, so he gave me a prescription for that. And my stomach was swollen and irritated so he had to do a couple of biopsies and we will know about that in about 5 days. The great part was all the sleep I got! I slept for noon to 3:30, 4:30 to 7:00 and 10:00 to 8 this morning!! Wow, I usually average about 4 to 5 hours a night. SO I'm feeling super rested!

Meloncholy

Tomorrow I'm going in for an EGD. Hopefully this will give answers as to the 'episodes' I occasionally have, one so bad that I was begging my husband to call 911. He wouldn't do it, but said he would take me to the ER. The mommy in me didn't want to wake my babies. I probably should have gone though. My doctor said, if I did, he would better know what was happening.
I'm extremely nervous. I know it's a super minor procedure but I don't like being asleep and someone else being in control of what is going on. Plus, I woke up on a colonoscopy, not pleasant, they knocked me back out pretty quick, but I don't want to wake up with something shoved down my throat. The nurse told me that they have to give a LOT more sedative to get past the gag reflex, so that makes me feel a bit better. We shall see. God is in control. Pretty sad that to get a day of rest, I have to have some medical procedure. I didn't even get to rest when I had Pneumonia! Ha!

Hair Do

This is what happens when Daddy does my hair!

Emergency Prayers

Being pregnant for a woman is the best and scariest time in her life. The thrill of getting to hold your bundle of joy, dressing, changing, and watching him grow. For nine months anticipation for that final day builds. Meanwhile, prayers are whispered "Please let my baby be healthy" and each doctor's visit is thrilling and terrifying. "Is everything still okay?" Yes, we believe that God is with us. At the same time we usually know of someone that it didn't go right for, of a baby that didn't make it. But still we press on, we enjoy each kick, and count movements hourly to put our own mind at peace.
Yesterday, for one family in my church, tragedy struck. A woman knows her body, and this momma knew something wasn't right. Upon contacting her midwife and going to the hospital it was determined that this full term pregnancy would result in a baby boy that would not take his first breath. After nine last night she delivered her still born baby boy. Momma and Daddy and grieving heavily. Tonight, Jesus is holding this baby boy. Please Pray for comfort in this family's loss. A loss so great that I for one can not fathom. I'm heartbroken for this family tonight. I'm reminded of how thankful I am for my two children and painfully aware that some parents are coming home without their bundle of joy. Coming home to a place with baby clothes, a nursery, and diapers that won't be needed. As often as this comes to your mind, even though you may not know this couple, pray for peace and comfort for this couple's empty arms.

What in the World is going on?

Last month you may remember that my daughter and I were both sick. The usual stuffy nose and coughing that slowly evolved to an ear and throat infection for her and a sinus infection for me. And now, here we are again. Little M is finally getting over her RSV and touch of pneumonia and just when I thought I was getting well, a rug was pulled out from under me. Yesterday was a nightmare. I was ready to go to the ER, I was in that much pain. I went to River Valley Urgent Care, steadying myself until I could see a doctor. I thought I was going to pass out at any moment. Have you ever weedeated? You know how your arm muscles feel shaken and unsteady after you've put the final landscaping touches on your lawn. Every muscle in my body felt that way. I was sweating (lovely, I know), I was pale, my dad told me it looked like I was withdrawing from an opient. (That's a former cop for you) My doctor was very nice and after an initial exam he decided it must be the flu. I KNEW it wasn't the flu, the pain was completely different than the achiness one feels with the flu. All the while I'm panicked that I could have passed something onto my daughter. I can only imagine if I feel this bad how she would feel. But my flu test was negative. So, off to x-ray and blood. work. When the results were ready my doctor came in and said "You need to come and see this with me" Very clearly even to my untrained eye you could see the little bronchial in my lung that were collapsed and surrounded with a cloudy fluid. A side view revealed a triangular space that is normally black on an X-ray because it's an empty space where air belongs. On my X-ray it was again filled with a cloudy fluid. Dr. C diagnosed my condition as Bronchial Pneumonia. That in conjunction with my high fever and shakiness explains clearly why I felt like poo. Our course of treatment is a new antibiotic, inhaler, and a muscle relaxer. I'm 28 years old and have NeveR had to use an inhaler. So, this Momma is demanding a sick day or two. Before I end up in the hospital where I can do no good for anyone. Thank you to my Mother-in-Law for being willing to take on this challenge. Today was my first day of rest and tomorrow is my last. I slept alot! But I was also incredibly bored as I missed my children so much. One more day of rest and then back to the nitty gritty!

Sick Baby Girl

Our Little M is very sick. She started with the usual snotty nose last Thursday but it quickly morphed into something else. Friday I took her to a walk in with a low grade fever, cough and stuffy nose. The doctor told us there was nothing to treat with medicine as of yet. Fast forward to Sunday morning and Little M wakes up with a 103.8. I called the triage line where I was told that she did need to see a doctor but it would be okay to give her Tylenol or Motrin to keep her temp down until she could be seen. At 5a.m. this morning she had another high fever so, I gave her Motrin. At 8:30 I called her pediatrician and got her in at 10:50. I didn't give her anymore medicine so that the doctor could see her as I have been seeing her. At the Dr her temp was 99.8 right at 11:00. The doctor swabbed her for RSV and sent her for an x-ray because her lungs didn't sound "bad" but not "great" either. And since you well know that my nephew is seriously ill with pneumonia in the hospital still after 18 days, you can imagine how scared I am. My mom came when she found out about the x-ray because a baby getting an x-ray is traumatic for both baby and mom. I experienced this with my son and she was there then too. When we got back to the doctor's office from outpatient I told the receptionist we were back and I saw them give a 'look' and they took us back to a room. I told my mom I bet that meant her RSV was positive, that doctors office isn't quick about anything. She also has an area on her lung that is questionable and can become problematic. After the doctor I ran to Walmart to get a filter for her humidifier while my mom stayed in the car. I went home after that and took her temp and it was 105.5! I nearly fell over and started shaking. I happened to be on the phone with my husband who jolted me back to reality. He said to call the doctor so I did and the doctor's office didn't even give me the run around. They got me straight back to the doctor himself. He told me what to do, I did it and now her fever is at a cool 99.8-101. So, my alarms are set (in case I fall asleep) to administer Motrin and Tylenol every 4 hours. I'm a nervous wreck with her labored breathing. I'm afraid she will have a low pulse ox and I won't know it. You know, typical mom fears. I know it's nothing new, mom's worry about their kids, that is just how we are created. But for now, this is the biggest thing in my world. Please pray for our little girl.

January Birthday

I realize I haven't yet posted about our Little M's 1st Birthday. Our baby is One! My, how time has raced by. I'm thrilled and saddened all at the same time. Where has time gone?

We had a wonderful celebration for her with all the people that love our kids. It was amazing. Every time I turned around someone else was loving on her. Babies and kids were all over the place. We celebrated at the West Room Down by the River. It was an excruciatingly cold day. It took several trips to the car to prepare to decorate and then even more trips with all the wonderful gifts she was given.

She smiled all day long. She was the happiest baby I have ever seen. Here she is with my mom. I just love her beautiful bow made by Alibugbows to match her birthday dress.

So, belated Birthday Girl. What have you been up to lately?

Well, you sleep through the night and I must say that I'm thrilled about this particular milestone.

You weigh 19lbs1oz and are 24 inches long. You are quite small for your age with the 11th percentile for weight and 30th percentile for height.

Playing with your brother is one of your favorite things to do.

We recently stayed away from our home for a week and you did a great job sleeping in your pack n play.

You are into everything and will put ANYTHING in your mouth. My own little garbage disposal.

You talk quite well. You can say Papa, Momma, Dadda, Buhbuh, I Love You, Hi, Bye Bye. When you want more of something your scream, we are going to have to work on that one.

You can walk a couple of steps on your own but just don't seem to be sure of yourself yet.

You eat all solid food. For Breakfast you like to eat a banana and cereal bar. For lunch and dinner you will eat whatever we are eating. But you really love Macaroni and Cheese!

Your smile lights up a room. We all love you so very much!

Finley Family Prayers

My brother-in-law and sister-in-law have been blessed with three beautiful children. Heath is the oldest. He is 10 years old. He's a fantastic baseball player. A loving brother and son. And he is sick. This fiery red head has been down and out for two weeks. What started out as a 'virus' ended up being pneumonia in his left lung. After a fever of nearly 105 for 5 days he was admitted to the Hospital. His heart was showing signs of stress from such a high fever. The next day the doctor pulled 450 cc's of fluid from the left lung, in hopes that this would jump start his system and give the antibiotics a chance to kick in. After that didn't work they inserted a chest tube to give the lung a direct line to continuously drain. These procedures have each been done with NO anesthesia, as that lowers his pulse ox. Yesterday he had an x ray since having the chest tube removed on Monday and it didn't show any improvement like they had hoped for. So, he is still in the hospital and just tonight spiked another high fever. At the same time my brother-in-law is at home with their 4 year old daughter who is now also running a temp over a 102. Now he can't come to the hospital to see his son. And my sister-in-law is torn because she desperately wants to be there for her son and daughter. Meanwhile, Matthew, my sweet middle child nephew who has asthma is happy and healthy. Of course we are praying for his health to continue. Please please pray for healing for both Whitney and Heath. And endurance for my sister-in-law and brother-in-law.

For my crew. Little M is running a low grade 101.8, has a terrible cough, and snotty nose. She is also breathing quite fast when she is awake. I'm worried about RSV. My son was misdiagnosed with croup when he was a mere 3 months from turning two. He ended up being taken by ambulance from another doctors office (I had gone for a second opinion) because he was turning blue and had a pulse ox of only 82%. But the doctor said if she had RSV then it was just a virus so no need to test. As I write she is in her bed sleeping and coughing. It sounds so horrific. I'm thankful for my Angelcare Breathing and Movement Monitor tonight. Also, my husband is getting over an ear infection, bronchitis, and a throat infection of some sort as is my father-in-law. Anyone want to share a cookie?

Will you please dear readers, pray for our family. We pray that the well ones will stay well, so that we can nurture and nurse the ill ones back to health.

New Addition to Our Family

For Valentine's Day the kids each got a new night light. Little M got the ladybug and B-man got the Twilight Turtle. Both the kids love their new toys. The turtle is educational with it's pictures of animals close to extinction. It also comes with a story book. Both light up with 3 different colors. So, welcome new addition. May you make our nights wondrous.

Lent

This past year I must have been good because in my Christmas Stocking I had some yummy chocolate. I've never been much of a chocolate eater, at least not chocolate in solid form. But I pretty much became addicted. And even though this chocolate along with Ghiradelli and Bliss are insanely expensive considering it is just chocolate, I have stayed stocked up. As I write this the bowl of chocolate in my pantry is calling my name. I can almost feel the sweet morsel melt in my mouth. But then came Lent. I've never participated in this event before. I'm intrigued by the it's meaning. The first thing my husband said is "Your not Catholic". Jesus didn't spend those forty days and give up His life just for Catholics. I am one of His children. And with all He gave up for me, I can surely give up something for him. So, I chose chocolate. So long to you sweet Bliss, Ghiradelli, and Dove. I'll see you much later. But for now, in replacement, I'll keep my thoughts on Him. Because every time I want that sweet melting experience, I will spend time in prayer. Although, with 2 kids it may not be silent prayer but I will be spending time in prayer, time in the Word, and time reflecting on my thoughts and actions. I'm excited about this journey.

On a side note. I have recently committed to helping a wonderful friend build her home daycare business (she used to keep my son) and I will be working for her 4 days a week. Little M and B-man are excited. They get to learn and socialize with other kids while I'm there with them, not missing a minute. I'm a little nervous about the inevitable illnesses. Although, when my son attended her daycare he was rarely sick. She is VERY clean and enforces the '24 hour rule' at her daycare.

With that, my husband is currently sick. He is suffering from an ear infection, bronchitis, and a throat infection. They are watching him for the possibility of pneumonia. So, the lease of my problem is the daycare! Ha! Please pray for my wonderful husband. He is an extremely hard worker and rarely stops. Between a part time job driving an ambulance, a full time job as an Engineer, and a volunteer firefighter, he really doesn't have the time to get well. Because, he's just not the kind of person to call in. Pray for Him.

Sick Day

Upon close inspection of my benefit package it has been found that no sick days are available. The pressure in my head is massive and kleenex is my new best friend. I can think of two people that don't go well together. Sick mom and kids! I'm trying really hard not to be grumpy with them, it's not their fault that I am sick. However, Little M is in the same boat I am. After seeing the doctor (because my husband ordered me to) it has been determined that I have a bronchial cough and a sinus infection. The doctor's prescription is antibiotic and cough syrup with hydrocodone in it. She also said I needed lots of rest. HA! Who is going to watch the kids? I really need some help. So, my little man is at the ready with a box full of tissue. Meanwhile, I'm going to suffer until I feel better. If I'm lucky someone will offer to let me nap.

Memory Loss

Writers have Writer's Block, Artists suffer Artistic Block. Me, I suffer from Memory Block. I know a certain amount of memory loss with age is normal but PLEASE! I'm 28 years old and more often than not I find myself standing in the kitchen and wondering what I went to the kitchen for in the first place AND why is that milk in the pantry? My husband has given up on me being able to find my own keys, I can walk in the house for only a moment and 'lose' my keys. If I run to the store for a few things I not only forget where I parked but I often 'forget' to put the groceries away! I get busy with changing diapers and being my son's personal waitress that everything else just slips away. Perishables are not safe in my house. I sometimes forget to eat, although you wouldn't be able to tell by looking at me. And names will never be remembered. If I happen to run into you please don't be offended that I don't know your name. My first year of teaching I prided myself on knowing all my student's names, I knew their parents and siblings names as well.I had the memory of an elephant! Now, I have kids come up to me that have been in my class and some of them don't even look familiar, but they know who I am. That is the hardest thing for me to deal with. All my former students are important to me and I hate that I can't remember them.
I believe I need to make an appointment with a doctor about this, but I'll forget to in ..... what was I talking about?

Just When you Think

Just when I think Little M is going to give it up and take a nap, she DOES! But it only last like 15 minutes. And as a mom, I think, she has got to be tired. But somewhere in my daughter is a little Energizer Bunny and it is stuck in cry mode. Please Help Me!
Signed
A broken hearted mom listening to her daughter cry.

The Culprit

Hello, my name is Raina, and I'm addicted to Dr. Pepper. I don't smoke, rarely drink alcohol but I'm addicted to this darn caffeinated beverage. I had done so well, I didn't drink any for about 2 weeks. The first 2 days were easy because I just had a little coffee to take away the withdrawal of caffeine. But then it got harder, the other day I was begging for my husband to bring me one home. Thankfully he didn't. But....after storms last night, staying up to make a dress on my new sewing machine (because you can't sew with a 4 year old and a 1 year old pawing at your leg), my husband getting called out to a fire and Little M waking early with a stuffy nose, well, I broke down and had not one but 3!!!!!!! I took the kids to the mall because Little M in all her crankiness was no longer happy with being home, and that is where I broke. I'm so mad at myself, but, oh, it was sooooo goooood. I'm weak!